“All the satire that's fit to print”
Badenoch warns Tory MPs against plotting and psychodrama
The Polititoons Editorial Board
A resident of Wabash, Indiana, is turning heads with his claim that his house cat, Whiskers, has the ability to hover approximately one foot off the ground for short periods. According to eyewitness accounts from the local knitting circle, Whiskers was seen gracefully levitating above the living room rug before nonchalantly settling back down for a nap. The neighborhood UFO society briefly considered filing a report with NASA but decided a cup of tea was a more pressing matter.
The Evening Gazette
In a bold move to commemorate congressional inertia, the capital has unveiled the 'Statue of Uncertain Liberty', a colossal figure with both hands tied behind its back, symbolizing years of legislative deadlock. The dedication ceremony saw members of both parties refusing to take a stance, resulting in an impromptu bipartisan dance-off. Critics argue that the monument sets a precedent for celebrating inaction, while proponents claim it's a refreshing acknowledgment of 'the wisdom of wait-and-see' politics.
Associated Mess
FOR SALE: Unused, mint condition Minnesota snowplow. Perfect for Middle Eastern desert campaigns. Never seen salt, OBO. Call collect: 612-555-DELVE.
WANTED: Experienced diplomat to mediate backyard squirrel disputes, must bring own nutcracker. Previous negotiation with rodents a plus. Apply Box No. 47.
SERVICES: Tactical taco truck rental for surprise garden parties or last-minute urban warfare diet. Made to meal-prep for 1,500 troops. Ring Whitehall 1212.
PERSONALS: Formerly frozen city seeks warm connections, willing to relocate to tropical conflict zones. No frostbite romantics, please. Reply to Box Dublin 4.
LOST & FOUND: Misplaced sense of geographical irony in Minneapolis, last seen near airport hangar. Return to the conceptual nexus of international policies.
FOR SALE: One-way ticket to Mars. Costly, but no worries about returning! Anti-protest tested, troop approved. Call 555-GRAVITY, ask for Astro Major.
WANTED: Peaceful protestor with skills in banner waving and chanting. Must be willing to 'troop swap' for overseas deployment. Apply Box No. 47, UK.
LOST & FOUND: Sense of humor, last seen during troop deployment meeting. Possibly wearing camouflage. Reward if found! Send telegram to the concept of Tuesday.
FOR SALE: DIY tank kit, slightly used. Must see to believe defense strategies. Call 555-ARMOR-NOW.
LOST & FOUND: Misplaced sense of diplomacy, last seen near the border. Reward offers warm relations. Write to BFPO 194.
FOR SALE: Inexplicably warm snow boots, size 'Militarized'. Guaranteed to deploy your feet to toasty zones even in Midwest winters. $60 OBO, no troop gatherings. Call 555-STOMP.
WANTED: Skis that double as diplomatic documents for smooth descents into icy debates. Must be peace-colored and fit a 'commander-in-chief' type. Reply to Box No. 47, Whitehall.
LOST & FOUND: One snowy battlefield of ideal peace talks, last seen in Lebanoff Ice Rink. Found near a protest-turned-picnic. Claims encouraged, leave a message at Joe's Bar.
Esteemed taxidermist from the rolling hills of the Yorkshire Dales, possessing a refined skill in preserving the most majestic of creatures, seeks a companion who shares an appreciation for mounted beauty and quiet interludes. Must enjoy long intervals of focused silence, possess a penchant for the macabre, and display an interest in anthropomorphic art collections. Tea connoisseurs preferred. Inquiries to be made to Box No. 112, Yorkshire Post.
Vivid and vivacious telegraph operator, accustomed to the rhythmic clack of Morse code under the Northern Lights, seeks companion for swift exchanges of dots and dashes, alongside maple syrup tastings. Desired qualities include a fluency in telecommuniqué and a fervor for decoding the universe through blinking lights. Pigeon fanciers welcome. Write P.O. Box 1867, Toronto.
Proud custodian of dusty shelves and rare first editions, seeks poetic soul who understands the language of ink and parchment. Must possess a flair for quoting Byron at a moment’s notice, tolerate the occasional phantom page-turner, and delight in candle-lit readings of obscure manuscripts. Pensmiths of humble means encouraged. Apply Mayfair 4321.
Free-spirited nomad with an eye on the stars and feet planted in the sands of Arizona, seeks adventurous companion for meteor shower stargazing and cosmic conversations. Requirements include an ability to navigate by the constellations, an enthusiasm for extraterrestrial life, and the ability to prepare campfire gourmet. Groovy vibes only. Call collect: 416-555-0199.
Nature’s own digital spellcaster, traversing between urban battlegrounds and the mystical woods, seeks harmony-seeking urbanite with a penchant for enchanted protest chants and biodegradable graffiti art. Must enjoy re-wilding cityscapes and crafting spells from recyclable materials, with a side of activism. Apply via neighborhood co-op, Box No. 333.
Solitary beacon tender with excellent fog horn collection desires partner fond of turbulent seas and maritime myths. Write P.O. Box 123, Halifax.
Former milliner with extensive haberdashery knowledge seeks individual with a penchant for classic headwear and spontaneous picnics. Ring Ballybunion 789.
Solitary beacon tender with excellent fog horn rapport seeking a partner unafraid of tempestuous weather and maritime navigation. Must have affinity for nocturnal light displays and possess a healthy respect for untamed sea creatures. Enquiries to be washed ashore to Box 144, Cape Cod.
Former milliner with extensive haberdashery knowledge, now residing in genteel leisure, desires a partner with a penchant for vintage fashion and whimsical headpieces. Candidates should revel in chapeau-centric social gatherings and enjoy Sunday promenades in ornate headwear. Apply Mayfair 4321.
Progressive taxidermist whose artistry challenges conventional boundaries seeks a muse with an appreciation for the transformative power of preserved fauna. Must enjoy evenings filled with existential debates at obscure art galleries and occasional ballroom dancing amidst critters. Responds to Box No. 47, East End.
Distinguished preserver of life's intricate taxonomies desires companionship of a soul with a penchant for oddities and impeccable sewing skills. Must enjoy candlelit dinners surrounded by silently watching eyes and possess a fondness for extensive bison horn collections. Send photograph to P.O. Box 2777, accompanied by an appreciation letter for the lesser-known art forms.
World-weary telegraph enthusiast, well-versed in the crackle of distant wires, seeks amateur Morse code interpreter for heartfelt exchanges. Must enjoy long-distance listening sessions and absconding with airwaves while conducting conversations in binary. Apply Mayfair 4321, and include your favorite frequency.
Tiller of emerald fields and devout supporter of the GAA, looking for a lady who can wield a pitchfork as gracefully as she wields a hurling stick. Must possess a love for mucking barns and bountiful harvests, and capably handle the occasional spontaneous jig. Apply via parish priest, preferably with a sampling of homemade soda bread.
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